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She was more wounded than she’d have allowed.
He looked into her eyes and she saw pain and conflict in their depths. “Katherine, if circumstances had allowed it—if Odette’s father weren’t dying and I hadn’t made a promise—I would sacrifice my life to be with you.” His words hitched. “But if I ignore those realities, I’d be sacrificing much more: my honour, my pride, my dignity. And without those, I am nothing. Whatever was left would be worthless to you. Please understand.”
“Am I so transparent, Jack?”
“That your heart belongs to me?” He gripped her arms tighter. His voice rose and for the first time she saw cracks in his self control as he struggled to push out the words. A whisper of wind stirred the branches dislodging a flurry of droplets. “At first I could hardly hope to believe it might be true. When I kissed you last, Katherine, it was an accident…a fatal accident. I tried to remind myself of my duty to Odette, but I could think only of you.”
“I felt the same, Jack. I…” She wanted to tell him so much more of what she felt. To unburden her heart would have been cathartic, but he seemed reluctant to hear it for he put his finger to her lips as he pressed his own together.
“Katherine. Sweetheart, it’s impossible. You know that.”
She stared. She knew it. She should have known it, but it was a torment to hear him put into words.
“I shan’t marry Derry,” she whispered.
A spasm of pain crossed his face. He shook his head. “You owe Derry an obligation that he’s calling upon you to fulfil. I suspected as much from what Diana said.”
Katherine nodded. “But I shan’t marry him, Jack. I don’t care about my reputation.”
There, maybe if she told him how much she was prepared to sacrifice he’d be prepared to do the same.
“Katherine! Don’t do this to me, I beg of you,” he muttered, a shuttered look coming into his eyes as he stared over her shoulder before returning his gaze to her face. “Your reputation will suffer, and you will be ostracised, but it will be bearable if the alternative is to wed a man you do not love. My punishment will be at the cost of my soul. Do you not see?” He shook her gently even as he pulled her slightly closer. “I cannot abandon Odette. I simply cannot and still call myself a gentleman. A man of honour. Even though you are as dear to me as anyone I have ever known, even though I need you like the air I need to breathe, I cannot wed you at the cost of Odette’s happiness.”
“What about my happiness?” she whispered through tears. She’d thought she’d be stronger than this when the moment came but the devastation of learning how baseless was the hope that had sustained her was almost more than she could bear.
“I’d bring you no happiness, Katherine. Not if I despised myself. And I would. You know I would.”
She did. It’s which stopped her from revealing everything. What use would it be to heap further torment upon him when he was tormented enough already? She knew he loved her. She could feel it through the pressure of his hands; through the intensity of his look.
It began to rain. The gentle shower caused a steady drip through the branches, but they could not break away.
“I will release you, Jack,” she whispered brokenly. “I’ll do it quietly, and I’ll accept it.” She drew in a painful breath. “On one condition.”
He tilted his head. Afraid? Hopeful?
“That you kiss me.”
He’d sacrificed so much, but he could not sacrifice this—not his last opportunity to hold the girl he loved in his arms and expedite her last request; the only demand she’d ever placed on him. Katherine was pure and good and did not deserve the pain he promised her if he came to her as half the man he could have been. Should have been.
For Odette, he could be enough. He could live with that in order to draw the delicate balance between living with his desires and succumbing to his demons.
It was to be a gentle kiss upon the lips, immediately withdrawn before he’d make his excuses and leave. Honour could be served if he managed that and only that.
But the sweet, gentle pressure communicated too great a memory. The touch of Katherine’s lips sent fingers of need and memory silently, invisibly, searching deep within the hidden depths he’d revealed to no one but her. Grasping, searching, drawing out of his very soul all that he’d locked away for so long: his need for connection; a connection only Katherine had ever satisfied.
His arms tightened about her shoulders as he drew her well-remembered curves against his chest. Her lips parted beneath his, soft and yielding while her hands strayed to his face, touching his cheeks in a tender display of affection that brought the memories of their stolen moments all those years ago crashing over him. He’d been embarking on adventures bigger than their love. So he’d thought. He’d needed to prove himself, both to himself and to the world—and he’d done that.
But at what cost?
Losing Katherine?
With a groan, he dragged his mouth from hers and stared into her luminous face.
“I’ve always loved you, Jack.”
She hadn’t said it to make him stay. Or to make his decision harder, he knew that.
Katherine spoke the simple truth.
